march madness (energetically)
shifts and changes
I’m in the midst of my Saturn return, and it’s the first thing I tell people when they ask how I’m doing these days. Technically, today, March 4, is when Saturn returns to the exact degree of Pisces that it was in when I was born, 29 years, 1 month, and 26 days ago. Today marks the crux, the crest, the peak.
In the language of Astrology, Saturn equates to all things disciplinary. Structure, authority, rules, order. When Saturn slowly, deliberately, and with precision transits once again into the sign and degree of one’s natal chart, it’s said to mark a transformation, a shift into the next phase of adulthood. This lines up culturally as well, as a person’s Saturn return happens around ages 30 and 60 years old. Ages when we are often naturally taking stock of our lives, our patterns and trajectories, and implementing changes we want to see in the next decades.
There is a daunting element to a Saturn return, but the process is not to be feared. I think of it as a season of cocooning: Sometime recently, without even realizing it, I wove a caterpillar’s cloak around myself, inside which my organs have turned to goo and the very nature of my being is reorganizing itself. I did this instinctually without conscious thought. Inside this cocoon, the conditions are sometimes uncomfortable or painful or difficult. Most of the time, I’m existing in a big question mark space lately. There are a lot of unknowns and maybes and possibilities swirling around in here. But I am listening to myself, and trusting myself, and I know that some brilliant, iridescent wings await me on the other side.
I don’t need to go into the exact sludge that’s been coming up for me to sit with and sift through, but each trial or lesson that’s come up during this transit so far have made themselves very clear to me. Old, old wounds have poked their heads above the surface again, demanding to receive care and attention. Boundaries have revealed their weak spots and asked for repair. I am exploring balance and structure in new ways in the hopes of finding regenerative daily patterns. I mess up plenty. I amend my mistakes as best as I can. One major emotional and spiritual illness has been yelling at me most days lately, spiking its symptoms and insisting on repair. I am listening.
And, conversely, I continue to have some kind of unbelievably magical, epic moments in my day-to-day life. Reminders of the multitudes, that working on the sticky stuff is only ever ultimately in service of me living as authentically and wondrously as possible during my limited time here. I have been introduced to one of the coolest climbing communities I have yet to experience, and I feel so easily, naturally included. I made some art with my friends lately just because I wanted to. I have been thinking a lot in general about my relationship to art and artistry lately: for as much as I chat and share things about myself rather easily with plenty of people, my music and writing is where I feel most honest. Sharing these slices of myself with the world is part of how i feel i can show up most authentically. And when this tender, often dramatic, deeply feeling self is celebrated and taken care of by my communities, it is perhaps one of the most fulfilling, gratifying experiences possible.
I also know that, Saturn return or no, a lot of people are Going Through it right now. On personal and global scales, much requires navigation these days. There exists, too, a comfort in collective struggle and grief: I am not alone in this. You are not alone in this. Together, we hold each other through the woes and the worst days. We lift each other up and inspire one another, with art and words and actions and shared Girl Scout cookies and post-it note encouragements and belay offers and gatherings. Brick by brick—each kindness and instance in which we chose love, acceptance, curiosity, and care builds a gentler, softer existence for all.
We will live to see a better world in our lifetimes. We will see a free Palestine. We will see school districts that protect trans kids. We will see safe, celebratory Jewish communities in which the Star of David is not emblazoned on flags that represent destruction and death. In which true Jewish values are upheld. We will see a fall of the imperialist Western empires. We will see reparations and Land Back and a commitment to caring for our earth.
I say all this with some sense of deep ancestral knowing, but also as a prayer. We will repeat these tenants and their siblings until we look around us at a life that is free for all folks, in which water is clean and all life is respected. We will, we will, we will.
what i’m up to
~ a single release show! this saturday, march 9, come celebrate and hang and feel and hug at unruly collective 🌙
~ camp bedford is playing the new kitting factory location on st. patty’s day! roxanne is very irish! we have been cooking up some new tunes and reimagining some olds! come come
~looking my ADD head on and asking it what it needs to thrive (and then getting distracted by something else)
~sending chaotic text messages
some things i’m grateful for
spontaneous sunny days
the dentist
clear communication
flirting
my trust in myself
brooklyn
daydreaming
small talk that isn’t small
a song for today
“Saturn Returning” by Angie McMahon, of course
something beautiful I saw recently
Rita in the sun on the terrace
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it so much! I’ll be back in ~2 weeks.